I should also be going to sleep now, have to wake up early for library/preschool duty you know, but it's only now I'll get a bit of privacy and time alone when eveyone's sleeping. I should be mature and go apologize to mom, and make it up to her, even if it wasn't entirely my fault. I should practice my flute and finish my other assignments. I should stop sulking and forgive�Dad and get over the scolding yesterday. I should join youth again. I should be more motivated to do everything. I should be more reliable. I should not talk back. I should be more responsible. I shouldn't be so easily irritated. I should send Grandma and Grandpa a letter - with photos. I "should" choose a career that is "good", "well paying" and "approved by asian parents" and "teachers with high expectations" I "should" work harder...because apparently, it's not enough, because I'm not doing all I can. I "should" quit musical theatre because it's causing me to be so busy, that if I continue to do it next year - while in the full IB program - I'll have no time and my marks my drop! Also, it troubles my dad to drive me places all the time! I should be more considerate, less self centered, and more Christ centered so I cabn better love people. I shouldn't be so childish. But I am still a child, right? Or perhaps not. I "shouldn't" even be considering advanced acting or taking drama 20 or musical theatre! because...well, I "should" take all the important stuff first, and when I'm "done" I can take the fun stuff. Like when would that be? After I graduate?!! I want to take it now for a reason! Its HIGH SCHOOL...ugh. Just because *certain people* don't appreciate the arts, doesn't mean I have to follow. I should be more like "so and so" I "shouldn't" be like those�kids. I should speak up for what is right, and for myself. I shouldn't procrastinate, and should manage my time wisely. I should...I should... I should care. But sometimes...I don't. I want to do something with my life; I want to change the world! But it seems so difficult at times, like everyone is against you. I'm sure I'll be fine...it's hurting inside...and I can't let anyone know...but I'll make it through. Christ lives in me, Galatians 2:20 I can do anything with God on my side. I'll be okay, more than okay if he's planning my life. Thank goodness I still have him to rely on.
Driving home from work the other day I struggled to keep the tears at bay.� Just a week or so ago I kicked my ex out of my house.� I have loved this man for over 25 years of my life…we have a daughter together.� And for 25 years we have been trying to make “us” work.� Ummm…maybe that should have been my first clue.� If it takes 25 years of trying, maybe it just isn’t meant to be, ya know? It was an overcast, rainy day and my mood seemed to match the weather.� (I am such the solar powered girl.)� As I was driving I was thinking to myself, “How do I let him go, Lord?� I don’t know how to let him go…I never have.”� Well, that question got an immediate answer.� No not an audible voice…but a knowing in my heart of the words that came to my mind.� “You have to choose LIFE or DEATH.� He is DEATH for you.� Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally he is death.”� What the heck do you do with that?� I knew in my heart that it was truth…a truth I’ve known for years, yet refused to accept!� The two of us are so different.� We have been since he was 15 & I was 16 years old.� I’m not sure what drew us together, but we could never seem to stay apart.� We wouldn’t see each other for 2 or 3 years and then one of us would find the other.� And BAM, back together.� Back then we had some things in common.� We partied a lot. We had both dropped out of High School. We hung out with the same people…oh, did I mention that we partied a lot? This last time we started hanging out together again was different.� I don’t drink or party…he still does.� He has no place to call his own…he sleeps where he passes out. He has no problem having sex outside of marriage…I hated myself every time we had sex.� I believe that God is three-in-one…Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.� He believes that Jesus is God’s Son, but not God.� He moved in with me because he had no job and no place to stay that wasn’t noisy and chaotic.� It all started out okay, but then our different lifestyles began to clash.� He said he couldn’t commit to me because he was afraid that he might cheat on me and he would never want to hurt me!� He said he loved me but just couldn’t promise he wouldn’t be tempted.� He was use to playing the field.� I actually thought that was sweet…at first.� Until I saw the truth behind that platitude.� It was a cop out!� If he really did love me he would have chosen not to cheat and remain committed to me.� But I had always settled with men…so what he said sounded good for awhile. I never knew when he would be staying at my place or not.� He had a key so he came and went as he pleased.� It was hard on me.� Having lived with him off and on over the years…I had a hard time seperating those times when we were commited back then and now with no commitment.� It hurt when he didn’t come home.� I began to wonder why he couldn’t choose me.� He never took me anyplace with him.� I never hung out with him and his friends, except when he brought them to my house. I thought back to how over the past two years he had told me he didn’t want to commit to any woman.� But then he got back together with his ex for awhile and also moved in with another woman.� I began to think that it was ME he couldn’t commit to…what was wrong with me?� He never told me I was attractive…always commenting on how I use to look when we were younger.� He was extremely negative about me as a person. And he never seemed to appreciate that I gave him a roof over his head, food on the table, and gas in his car.�� He never did anything to help me.� I carried in all the groceries myself. (He said I never asked for help.� I felt like I shouldn’t have to ask…HELLO, he was sitting on the couch watching me!)� I worked all day and came home to a sinkful of dirty dishes…even though he had been home all day.� I began to dread coming home.� I hated wondering if he was going to be there when I got home.� And I hated it even more when the disappointment swept over me when his truck wasn’t there when I got home.� I missed him when he was gone all night.� I wondered where he had been…I tried not to care, but I’m not wired like that.� We argued almost all the time…about everything.� I didn’t like the person I became around him.� The hateful words spewing out of my mouth.� I became this ugly, dependent, desperate woman…a child-woman…the 17 yr old who needed love so badly that she settled for anyone.� The woman I had become by turning my life over to Jesus faded away. My constant sinful behavior was slowly killing the woman I had become…I didn’t recognize myself anymore.� I hated myself, but I hated him more!� I was killing myself by being around him…and I was letting him kill me too. Fade back to driving home in the car.� “Choose LIFE or DEATH…”� Oh my gosh…the Lord was right!� If I continued thinking about my ex or choosing to remain in communication with him I was choosing DEATH.� I was turning my back on God and LIFE!� I didn’t/don’t want to die…I really don’t!� But I was killing myself by staying involved with my ex.� In John 15 we are told that people will know us by the fruit that we bear.� Well, I’m bearing some stinking rotten fruit these days!� And frankly I’m tired of the stank!� I don’t know how to get rid of the rotten fruit I’ve been producing, but God does.� He is the only One who can help me give up my ex…the fruit of my labor in that area is 25 years of failure. So, “Got Dead People?”� You’re darn right I do!� But I can choose the One who is Life anytime I want to…He will help me stick to it!� That choice the Lord placed before me is really making me re-evaluate my life right now.� What relationships in my life aren’t bearing good fruit?� Which ones are dead…detrimental to my well being.� What activities in my life are bearing dead fruit?� These questions �have given me the opportunity to redirect my focus to what needs to change in my life to make me into the woman that God created me to be… with the ultimate goal - LIFE. I encourage you to ask yourself the same questions…chose LIFE my friend :-) This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.� Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. Deuteronomy 30:19-20
Add comment
